Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
lmao
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.