Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop