[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
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Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
prepare for carbonated trouble
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Dammit Chief not again
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.