If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
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I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.