[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
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If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My first child will be named New Folder.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Kids: Stay in school.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.