Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
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I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
*updates tinder bio*
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.