Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
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Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
When can I start eating bats again.
and this one
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.