Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
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If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?