One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
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Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.