A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
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1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.