Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
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School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward