I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
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Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*