I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
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My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
just witnessed a drug deal
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.