My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
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I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now