Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
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*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
😂😂
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Ken is short for chicken
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.