I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
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Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.