I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
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Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If only.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.