genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
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Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
three things we don’t talk about
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.