Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
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My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”