6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
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I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”