me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
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These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook