Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
That earthquake could have been an email.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone