Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
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imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I don’t get marriage
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation