he chose this
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GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.