*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
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Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Happy Febuary everyone!
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”