Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
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A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Time for evil
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily