That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
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There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I finally found a reason to live again.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.