Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
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Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework