[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
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This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
mood
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?