You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I’m being attacked 😭
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.