I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
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All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET