me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
me 2 months after i graduated
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Things will get butter, keep churning
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.