Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
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To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again