Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
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This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Thoughts
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.