3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
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My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.