6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
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Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.