I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
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Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Y’all know who you are.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Mood.. 😂
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats