I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
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I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.