me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
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ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Unimpressed
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.