them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
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4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.