If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
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Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I gave up going to work for lent.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Holy shit he’s back
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.