[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
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I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant