I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
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“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.