My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
You Might Also Like
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Home is where your toilet is.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.