“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
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I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga