My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
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My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.