I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
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Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying