jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
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[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”