My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
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*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?