But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
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I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Never forget.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
The cashier just checked me out.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Dammit Chief not again
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.